February 4, 2014

Horrified


                                                                                                                 
Mission on the Old Santa Fe trail, 2011.

I was moved by the news of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death this morning.  Later in the day, I was horrified to hear that he died of an overdose of the new Fentanyl laced Heroin.  He had 22 years clean and sober then just recently taken it all up again, and again, and again.

Those of us who have this disease, in whatever its addictive form, have to be continually on guard against using again.  We can’t let ourselves think that, just for a moment, we can have that glass of wine, that bit of cocaine, that outre sex, or that puff of marijuana.  We are told that there’s a higher power in charge now, that it’s a spiritual program.  Still, we have to train ourselves to not think, not to accede to the call of old, and pray that the desire to use is removed.  Sometimes it is; sometimes not.

I’ve been frightened today.  It could have been me.  Friends have died who were just as brilliant as Hoffman.  Perhaps he felt his brilliance dimmed without his drugs.  I just know that if I give in for one second to any of my truly ugly addictions, I will not live through it. 



  • Himself:  Worked with snow covered wrecks today.  Meeting in the cold.

  • Herself:  Haven’t felt well all day somehow.  Errands and reading.  Today I feel more like myself.
  • The Monuments Men.  It’s very readable and horrifying in its own way.


  • Reading:  The Monuments Men: Washington Post article on the Monuments Men.  Several shows and a gallery in the works.

  • Balance:  I love a day off.


  • 13 comments:

    1. Very sad. My late sibling was a drug addict, too.

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    2. Not only sad, but it makes me angry. Maybe I don't have a good handle on this whole thing, but it makes me angry that people make choices like this. So much to live for. So much.

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    3. It makes you wonder what in his life was so horrible that it made him feel that returning to drugs was the answer to feeling better.

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    4. My daughter is having a hard time with this news. The anniversary of her first husband's death is this month. He was found with a needle in his arm, just like PSH. SAme drug. News said PH had 70 bags of the stuff.
      My daughter and I saw her husband 'in situ.' God awful. So very sad.

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    5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    6. You're found Mage! This one is bookmarked; I think it's the right one. I only knew Mr. Hoffman as a most gifted actor--if he was in a movie, I almost always went and always enjoyed his performance. That said, I was shocked to see the announcement Monday morning, as I had no idea about the drug problem. A dreadful disease, that addiction is! Worse than cancer, huh?!

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    7. When I slather butter on the third thick slice of crusty bread I know it is quietly killing me and yet I may make that choice believing that just this once, the feeling of satisfaction will be worth it and it won't matter. I would never put a needle of anything in my arm, but I understand choices. I know I can't equate my love of butter with a full blown heroin addiction but this death has stirred a raw compassion deep within. For whatever reason this revered and beloved young actor left this earth too soon. Whether it was a choice or a demon, I am sad.

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    8. Very sad news. Nearly all us were familiar with PSH and nearly all of us know someone in addictive trouble if not ourselves. I am sorry about him and so very sorry for his children.

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    9. When I read Doidge's chapter on addiction in his book The brain that changes Itself, it was frightening how rapidly the brain changes upon even the initial experience with an addictive substance or activity.

      That gave me a heightened respect and awe for anyone who is continuing the struggle. This comes with prayer.

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    10. I wasn't familiar with his work, though I was saddened by the loss of his life in such a tragic way.

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    11. Such a tragic loss as so many of them are. Stay strong, dear Mage. Hugs to you.

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    12. I have faith in your strength. One minute at a time; one day at a time.

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    13. I was so shocked and saddened to hear about this. I've read a lot of magazines about this demon he'd been fighting. I'm glad you've been stronger, Mage! Please stay vigilant.

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