August 9, 2007

Fashionistas All

Here I am, a collection of rolls of this and rounded that huddled at my gate watching the masses walk by. Those that are not baseball fans are fashionistas all. Baseball fans are a comfortable lot in their jerseys and levis, but the fashionistas push the envelope more than just a bit. Often they startle me into laughter.

Two years ago even middle aged women with stretch marks were wearing pants that clung to life inches below the navel. Sometimes the women would cinch them tight just to keep them up so giving us the view of an extra roll just before the top of the pants. The combination isn’t charming at all. Especially when those low rider pants are combined with the short, cropped tops. “We have a gap, Houston.” Young teens are constantly pulling down their shirts and making me laugh. The middle aged that wore this one made straight faces hard to maintain.

Last year the pants stayed low but the shirts began to appear in layers often with bra straps showing. The bottom shirt was usually a little longer and bits of it would creep out to show around the neckline and the hem of the top shirt. At first, there was still that laughable gap. Then the shirts grew longer. For a while, ornate belts were draped around the rounded middles. Most of those seem to be gone now, and the layered look has stayed with us. Did I say that bra straps still show…usually only on the young.

Why are they wearing bras anyway?

This year we have maternity shirts circa 1958. I clearly recognize this baby doll look…even to the puffed sleeves, and restrain from laughing with great effort. Pregnant women continue to wear the skin tight layered look. The up and coming fashionistas are now wearing flowing maternity wear with a contrasting fabric crossed under their breasts, highlighting them, and tied behind in little bows. These darling goodies make the wearer appear as if they just got out of bed. Stylists are obviously reaching.

I’m skipping the pregnant Lolita look. I already wore it one way or another, and I stayed with the higher waisted levis….so they would stay up, of course. I don’t care that “What Not To Wear” says we should be in lower topped jeans. They don’t have my tummy. I skipped the layered look too. It’s too hot for that here. I did add browns to my wardrobe, and I’m happy the day-to-day, all black look is slowly going back to Croatian grammas.

I think what we all need is a militantly “Fashionista Gramma Designer.” We need some uber design for those over fifty that doesn’t make us look like pregnant ninety year olds. Why can’t I look in fashion without my sixty some year old stretch marks showing. I don’t want to look like a lump either. Fat lady stuff at Penny’s is dreadful, lacking at Nordies, and beyond the price of any normal mortal at Macy’s in the valley….where they have top designer stuff in bigger sizes and in far, far bigger prices too.

My usual voyeuristic outfit of red and black does get a fragment tiring after a while. My pants go up to my waist….to keep the belt on to keep the handcuffs, radio, flashlight, et al, from falling to the ground. My shirt is baggy….to allow layers in the winter for warmth and wires year round for the radio. My coat is bigger than baggie, and it allows room for up to five layers. I’m a failure as a fashionista, but I will keep watching others stay in tune with popular styles in the twenty first century. You bet your sweet bippy.

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