April 16, 2008

Mutterings






Thinking cruise. Top: QM from the dock, Long Beach, 2003. Middle: Verandah Grill, QM stern, 2003. Bottom: QM upper works from bridge wing, 2003.




Duck: The newspaper hasn’t posted his obit yet. I wonder why?

Me: Made doc appointment. I have to say, despite the sometimes very long hours, inflexibility, and politics, I do like my job.

G: Communicating far better than I. Amusing to both of us that while property values continue to fall all around us, OB has increased 14%. Small town, funky feel, the newspaper says. La Jolla up too.

Work: Padre’s 2008 Schedule.
Game Weather schedule. Tuesday: Cold; Wednesday: Warming; and Thursday: who knows.
Thinking out loud:

  • Forcing myself to think positive. Patting myself on the head when necessary. Asking how I am doing from a silent supervisor: “Am I doing the job well?” “Yes.” “Thank you.” (Geez……!)


  • Looking at myself. I need to do this….stop looking at others and look at me. Something in me seems very closed down. I’ve lost all my long term AA contacts now. Not good. I find women I like but they are daughter’s friends. I don’t want to interfere in any way with her life. My mother did too much of that in mine.




  • Asking those usual questions: What is it that I need for me? What do I need for us? What do I need to say…to anyone? Are there compromises I need to make to achieve an end? What end? What do I want to do now….right now? What do I want to do in the immediate future?




  • Taking action: What do I need to do now? What do I need for us? What do I need to say? Are there compromises I need to make to achieve my end? What do I want to do now….right now? What do I want to do in the immediate future?


  • Immediate action: I feel a need to stir things up a bit, to let the dust fly. Just a bit anyway. I need to open me up. I need to talk. I need to say the unsayable. Out loud. Scary thought that. Saying things doesn’t always achieve an end, and I know this. Still, I need to resolve two clear cut problems instead of just talking.


  • Today: Write this……these words have started my brain working again. Clean me. Dodge the dustbuster who is here moving those motes around, and get myself ready for work. Tomorrow, stir more dust motes. Maybe Friday I could take a bit out of something. Now I know what needs chewing on. A start anyway.

3 comments:

  1. Good to voice the mutterings. Is there any of those long lost AA friends who you would like to be in contact with again? Is there any way to manage that? My mother has a tendency to be like your mother with the friends of my two older sisters. Germany is too far away, thankfully. Back where she lives, I share some of her friends. It's a small island so everyone knows everyone. I am very conscious that my friends there need to see my mother in a certain light. One that is not overshadowed by mother/daughter issues. Therefore, I hold back and this is not always so good.

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  2. Sometimes I think I have the opposite problem. I open up too much and too quickly, my reason being that I have nothing to hide, but later I worry about how it came across to someone else. I think it's referred to as "insecure." I fight it all the time but there it is, always lurking around in the shadows somewhere.

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  3. Gosh Mage, I wrote the above comment before I'd worked my way back to learn about Duck's passing. It seems so inappropriate now. I just didn't know where those musings were coming from. I'm sorry now.

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