Time has been compressed.
You know how it goes.
No, I don’t know how the conversation started.
“I have about fifteen to seventeen years left. I want to spend them as comfortably as I can
doing as much as I can,” I told her.
“Why would you say that,” she answered truly upset. “I don’t even think about it.”
“Because it’s true.
There’s things I want to do, and there’s only so much time.”
What I didn’t say was that time seems to be flying by at
light speed for me these days. I was
surprised that she was scandalized.
Upset. Time must be standing
still for her….perhaps she’s staying always in the now because her husband is
so ill. With my much slowed down body, I
am very aware that my life is finite. Of
course, I wish I wasn’t, but there it is.
Seeing my ex-husband, someone I once so passionately loved, someone my
age so near death, made time seem even more precious.
The conversation stays in my mind.
You may know that I read the obituaries from my hometown online. For a while, there were a lot of people from my high school years...and then they stopped. Now every one I read is either much younger or much older.
ReplyDeleteI never thought I would get this far. You just keep on going, remembering those who leave us, and do the best you can.
It's flying for me, too. So very, very quickly.
ReplyDeleteI think grief does that to us, though -- compresses time -- strands us right in stasis.
I'm with you on this one. A lot of people seem to fear reality.
ReplyDeleteMe too, I can't help but look at that time span and think "is this how I want to spend the time I have left?"
ReplyDeleteIt is so very precious. I am looking closely at those things too.
ReplyDeleteAnd so I wonder daily about "spending" my life. Every moment is a casually spent penny until you realize the account is dwindling and will never be replenished. Gaze at the trees or gaze at the tv? Dust the woodwork or call a friend? Enjoy the cheesecake or opt for the stewed prunes?
ReplyDeleteA very nice flow in the comments today. My gramma always said you need to look at your fears straight on to overcome them. She was speaking at the time about "horn- or tobacco-worms." It's just as true about our end--a fact of life--the sooner we face it, the sooner we can back to enjoying whatever time we have left!
ReplyDeleteI don't think about it except to wonder if I will ever read all the books I want to read! But the idea of just enjoying what time is left is good except I worry that the money won't last long enough either. LOL
ReplyDelete